Episode 1

As you know, dear reader, I am in Tucson, Arizona.  And it snowed yesterday.  Yes, this is where people go to escape snow.  No, I am not joking.  My family here accused me of pied-piper-ing the snow down here, and I neither confirm nor deny this theory.  You see, I cried tears of sadness in bidding the snow farewell about 20 miles north of St. George, Utah, so I can't say that Mt. Lemmon dressed in white, frost on my car this morning, and gusts of chilly wind are not wholly unwelcome to me, though my cold-wuss relatives may feel differently.

If you know me at all, you already know I am a nerd.  Therefore, the following should come as no shock, O Respectful and Humorous Reader.  Some time ago I determined that such an adventure as I am having must be documented.  Surely--surely, I thought to myself--many pleasant and hilarious things are liable to happen to one when one is driving across the country.  I have been slightly disappointed in this so far, but not knowing this, I equipped myself with my camera and my iPod, which, dear reader, I am happy to report has a lovely little feature called Voice Memo with which one may record words, without the trouble of writing them down (this feature is especially useful for traveling writers who do not own a hands-free and attention-free motor vehicle).  Yes, it is quite true.  However, sad to say, my brilliant Voice Memo plan backfired a bit, because I came to discover that I feel extremely...what's the word...idiotic talking to myself, into a machine.  (If you're wondering, No, you do not feel like a cool newspaper reporter as I had hoped.  You feel idiotic, like I said.)  But, for lack of more flattering options, I forced myself to stammer out this and that notable thought or event that occurred along the road.  At any rate, with such essential equipments that I had, I was ready to make a photomentary, a voice recordamentary, and ultimately a blogomentary.  (It's hard to tell, but that's what this is, by the way.)  Following is the transcript from my car notes:

Nope, I don't have the guts to print it.  But here are some fun/funny signs I passed...

Memory Ln.
Arlee, MT, "Where They Distribute Things"
Whitworth Dr. [alma mater, baby!]
Bearmouth Area [really, Montana?]
Wisdom, MT [reminds me of The Phantom Tollbooth]
Speed Limit 80 [UT--I know, right?!]
Sulpherdale, UT [pee-yew!]
Miner's Creek Prospector's Club [AZ--I wonder what they prospect...]
Horse-pitality RV Park [AZ]
Surprise, AZ [too bad it's on the map--if it weren't, you'd just be driving along, then--Surprise! there's a city here!]
Miracle Mile [road in AZ]
Michelle Rd. [AZ]

And here is the photomentary portion...

 That's what sardines would look like if they were bags and boxes filled with my life.

Adios, Whitefish!

Um, yeah.  It's pretty scary.

Ah, I will miss driving Montana's dirty, slushy roads.

Elisha, I have a job for you which you will Relish.

Hoary, foggy, Scrooge-ish frost I found on my car after my first night on the road.

Cruisin' in style in central Utah.

Back on good old Highway 93 on the other side of Las Vegas (in Monana, in case you didn't know, I live a mile off of 93).  Little did I know, 93 in the south has traffic on it, especially the bit between Vegas and Hoover Dam.  It's all right, though, I spent the hour lunching on granola bars, following Nevada RVR DOG, and rocking out to music with the windows down.

I spy a cactus!!  I'm officially in the Southwest.  (Boulder City, NV)

I love those dam signs on Hoover Dam.  And this one happened to fit with my current state.

If you're from Arizona:  Look, it's the new bridge!
If you're from anywhere else and weren't aware they were building a bridge so the highway doesn't go over Hoover Dam anymore:  Look, it's a bridge!

Solar powered telephone in the middle of the Arizona desert.  I guess they have enough sun or something.

This is your cactus on drugs.

Me with crazy cactus and desert wind.

I knew you wouldn't believe me, so I took a picture of what my car looked like when I woke up this morning--notice the authentic cacti in the background in addition to the authentic frost covering my car.

And now, Happy New Year!  Make a resolution, eat chili, drink champagne, kiss someone, bang pots and pans--whatever you do, I entreat you to ring in the New Year with joy and optimism!

For One Million Dollars, it's...Name That Christmas Carol!

'Tis the season for my famous--make that infamous--obsession with Christmas-themed puzzles.  I have a confession to make, though: I love puzzles because it's just an excellent way of showcasing my extensive bank of useless knowledge.  (This also happens to be the reason I sporcle.)

...And now, the moment you've all been waiting for--for your chance to win One Million Dollars, it's...Name That Christmas Carol!  Contestants, you will be given a verse or part of a verse that is found in the text of a well-known Christmas carol.  Your job will be to think of the carol whence it came.  Once you have read each of the 30 Christmas carol verses, writing down or remembering your answers, click on the link at the end to see if you have won...One Million Dollars!  A small hint: wherever you see an ellipsis (...), that means some words have been removed that just might have given away the answer.  And remember, this is a test of your knowledge of Christmas carols, not of your skills in googling, so if you use any source besides your own brilliance, you are ineligible to receive your prize of One Million Dollars!

Ready?  Here we go!

Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay
Close by me forever, and love me I pray.

Bless all the dear children in thy tender care
And take them to heaven to live with thee there.  (1)

Baby Jesus...

I am a poor boy, too...

I have no gift to bring...

That's fit to give a king...

Shall I play for you...on my drum?  (2)

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"  (3)

Glorious now behold Him arise,
King and God and Sacrifice.
Alleluia, alleluia!
Earth to the heav'ns replies.  (4)

And by the light of that same star
Three wise men came from country far;
To seek for a king was their intent,
And to follow the star wherever it went.  (5)

Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king,
"Do you know what I know?
In your palace warm, mighty king,
Do you know what I know?
A Child, a Child shivers in the cold
Let us bring Him silver and gold
Let us bring Him silver and gold."  (6)

Shepherds in the field abiding,
Watching o'er your flocks by night,
God with man is now residing;
Yonder shines the infant Light.  (7)

Yea, Lord, we greet thee, born this happy morning;
Jesus, to thee be glory given;
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing...  (8)

In his master's steps he trod,
Where the snow lay dinted;
Heat was in the very sod
Which the Saint had printed.
Therefore, Christian men, be sure,
Wealth or rank possessing,
Ye who now will bless the poor,
Shall yourself find blessing.  (9)

Christmas makes you feel emotional,

It may bring parties or thoughts devotional.

Whatever happens or what may be,

Here is what Christmastime means to me.  (10)

...Now ye hear of endless bliss
Joy! Joy!
Jesus Christ was born for this;
He hath ope'd the heav'nly door,
And man is blessed evermore;

Christ was born for this,

Christ was born for this.  (11)

God bless the master of this house
Likewise the mistress too!
And all the little children
That 'round the table go  (12)

Fast away the old year passes; ...
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses; ...
Sing we joyous all together, ...
Heedless of the wind and weather. ...  (13)

Hasten now, good folk of the village
Hasten now, the Christ-Child to see
You will find him asleep in the manger
Quietly come and whisper softly
Hush, hush, peacefully now He slumbers
Hush, hush, peacefully now He sleeps.  (14)

From God our heavenly Father
A blessed angel came.
And unto certain shepherds
Brought tidings of the same,
How that in Bethlehem was born
The Son of God by name. ...  (15)

How silently, how silently,
The wondrous gift is given!
So God imparts to human hearts
The blessings of his heaven.
No ear may hear his coming,
But in this world of sin,
Where meek souls will receive him, still
The dear Christ enters in.  (16)

The shepherds feared and trembled
When lo, above the earth
Rang out the angel chorus
That hailed our Saviour's birth!  (17)

Hail the Heav'n-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Son of Righteousness!
Light and life to all He brings,
Ris'n with healing in His wings.
Mild He lays His glory by,
Born that man no more may die,
Born to raise the sons of earth,
Born to give them second birth!  (18)

Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Help to make the season bright;
Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.  (19)

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."  (20)

O come, O Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
And drive away the shaves of night
And pierce the clouds and bring us light.  (21)

When the clock is striking twelve,
When I'm fast asleep,
Down the chimney broad and black,
With your pack you'll creep;
All the stockings you will find
Hanging in a row;
Mine will be the shortest one,
You'll be sure to know.  (22)

There's a tree in the Grand Hotel, one in the park as well,
The sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow.  (23)

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our Friend!
He knows our need; to our weakness is no stranger.
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!  (24)

Now the ground is white,
So go it while you're young,
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song.
Just bet a bob-tailed nag,
Two-forty for his speed,
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You'll take the lead.  (25)

But with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the angel strain have rolled
Two thousands years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love song which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing.  (26)

Come to Bethlehem and see

Him whose birth the angels sing;

Come, adore on bended knee

Christ, the Lord, the newborn King.  (27)

…Son of God, love’s pure light

Radiant beams from Thy holy face,

With the dawn of redeeming grace,

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.

Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.  (28)

So bring him incense, gold, and myrrh,

Come, peasant, king, to own him.

The King of kings salvation brings,

Let loving hearts enthrone him.

Raise, raise the song on high!

The virgin sings her lullaby.

Joy! joy! for Christ is born,

The babe, the son of Mary!  (29)

No more let sins and sorrows grow,

Nor thorns infest the ground;

He comes to make His blessings flow

Far as the curse is found,

Far as the curse is found,

Far as, far as the curse is found.  (30)

Click to find out if you won One Million Dollars!

You Can't Fight a Tidal Wave

"All children, except one, grow up."

I lament that I am not the one.

Years ago I made houses in the snow and gleefully tried to catch snowflakes on my tongue.  Now I think about what to wear to stay warm and how I need to start my car early to get to work on time.

I remember a time when Here was everything--my family, my school, my friends, all were sewn into the soil of Whitefish, Montana.  Now I visit family across the country, have friends across the world, and--oh so dauntingly--it is up to none but me to figure out what to do with my time.  I was so happy as a kid.  And growing up take so much work.

But there's something to be said for it, too.  There's something in the satisfaction of being able to drink wine, buy anything with the click of a mouse, choose what to do with your life.  Anything at all.  And to know about life and the wide world--all its glories, all of its dirty secrets.  Grown-up love and grown-up hate.

Peter Pan would be disappointed with that speech.  But Peter, I've done my time and I've made the most of it.  And there are hundreds of thousands of new kids to take my place--kids with fresh smiles, with backs that don't get thrown out while snow-shoveling, with soft corners and dazzling imaginations.

Besides, the new ones are much funnier than I ever was.  At daycare we were listening to "Glo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oria! In excelsis Deo..." on Christmas radio, and one of my modest four-year-old boys declared, "This song makes me want to marry a girl!"  He subsequently turned beet-red.  But see, you just can't appreciate that kind of comedy unless you see it from up here.  And messy as grown-up life turns out to be, it's an "awfully great adventure," after all.

It's a week and a day late, but I am thankful that time is a tidal wave.