Road Construction and School Buses

My name is Michelle, and I am a bad driver.  It has taken me years to admit.  But, after watching one too many of my passengers shoot a hand out to the door or overhead handle while I'm flying around a curve, denial has finally given way to reality.  And herein lies the truth.

I am writing this partly as a confession, but also partly as defense--a chance for you to see the rules of the road through my eyes.  You see, I am a bad driver, but you will not die in my car.  (And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die...)  After all, I've got seven years of driving, no tickets and no (real) accidents.

So you know how there's the regular white speed limit signs, then there's the yellow ones that tell you to slow down around curves?  Yeah, the yellow ones are just suggestions.  You may have been told something different, but this is true.  Besides, if you slow down to 55 in a 75 zone on the interstate, you'll be a) laughed out of existence and branded a grandma driver, b) rear-ended, and c) going way too slow for your own good (velocitation, schmelocitation).  Now, the white speed limit signs that are preceded and succeeded by myriads of bright orange signs--including the ominous "Fines Double in Work Zones"--those you should pay attention to.  Um, sort of--when it's Sunday and there's no one there, or when the car right in front of you is going 10 over, for heaven's sake don't be the prude who holds everyone up.  If other people are going the same exact speed as you, you are not going to be the special one who gets pulled over.  (Unless you're driving a red sports car).

So besides road construction, there are some things in driving that I hate and avoid at all costs.  The first is speed bumps.  For these I have much disdain.  I'm sorry, but I cannot actually make myself slow to 2 miles per hour to go over speed bumps.  If there is any chance I can go a different route or even miss it with two wheels, by golly, I'll take it.  The second thing that gets my blood boiling is school buses (blast those things!).  I think I'm allergic.  When I see a big yellow bus ahead on the road...well, my skin starts to crawl, and the thing seems to grow to the size of the whole road, blocking out the sun of freedom.  Because you know if you get stuck behind it, you will inevitably be taking an extra 30 minutes to get to your destination.  And not only that, but it'll be the absolutely maddening stop-go-stop-go that honestly makes me contemplate gunning it into whatever vehicle is in front of me just to put myself out of misery.

And even that is not the worst when it comes to school buses.  The worst is when you're driving on the other side of the road and there's a bus coming toward you.  Ready, this happened to me the other day.  It's slugging along toward me, right, going a "safe" speed and all, yellow caution lights blinking away.  I slow down to 5 miles under the limit like a good driver, thinking, "Maybe the driver is a decent human being and won't stick out his stop sign 'til I pass, maybe I can pass it before it stops--I think I can I think I can..."  Ah, but no. Yellow lights change to red, the sign pokes out, I'm going too fast to stop, I whiz past, the driver blares his dumb horn, and the kids look at me like I'm a psycho child-killer.  No really, you should have seen their faces.  That put me in a sour mood for an hour.  Fortunately, I am no longer bitter.  You know, the only thing on my record is a warning for failing to yield to a school bus.  I was on the other side of the road of a blasted four-lane highway!  For the love of peace!  No, I'm not bitter about that anymore, either.

There you have it all.  Most of it.  I guess there were a couple of incidences in which I may have almost changed lanes into anther car.  And this one time I ripped off part of my bumper with a tree.  And I may or may not be the best judge of changing stoplights or slow down enough in dodgy weather.  Oh, and I do have this naive belief that I am invincible to deer and other common roadkill.  I chalk it all up to my cherished love of living on the edge.

So now you have the truth.  Judge me as you will.  But I maintain that, though I am admittedly a bad driver, though I have made many hearts pound an palms sweat, I will not kill you.  I will not injure your back or give you a concussion.  And I will not run over your dog.  Provided it is not a particularly obnoxious dog.