Today

I begin to think that nothing is as good as it was in the past.  In days gone by, songs sounded nicer, food tasted better, games were more enjoyable...the air was clearer, the sky was bluer, and the sun was warmer.  It's hard to express melancholy thoughts on this day of perfect sunshine, breeze, and autumn crispness.  But I find myself gazing back longingly on how it used to be.

There used to be lots of days like this.  I remember them, because I feel their echoes today.  I used to be content on days like this--used to smile and mean it from the heart, used to go about my life with the contented feeling that this is one of the best days I've lived.  I'd thank God for making it, and for blessing me with the life and heart and mind to enjoy it.

Today, I wanted to smile deeply and close my eyes in the sunshine and be content.  But I couldn't.  I'm in the same house I was in ten years ago, in the midst of the same magical change of the seasons, but it's just...not the same.  I used to be a child.  I used to have two loving parents to take care of my every need--and more.  I used to know where I would be in another year.  I used to be able to look into the future and see my options and know that life would somehow be good no matter what.

Today, I don't know where I'm going to be four months from now.  I don't have two parents to take care of me.  I don't even have two parents, which, seven years later, still feels like a slap in the face.  I don't know how I'm going to get a job and provide for myself like a grown-up.  I don't know what my options are.  And I can't convince myself that I'll be okay no matter what.  Because today is not one of the best days of my life.  Do you understand?  It's not abysmal--it just used to be better.

I was looking at old pictures of my family when we were all young.  Life was simpler, far simpler.  We wore wonderful ridiculous clothes, and we were entertained for hours by rocks and dirt and a bucket and a ball.  We were happy.  (Even though it's a childish happiness, I believe in it.  That kind of happiness should not go extinct.  It has to stay alive.  If not for me, then for someone else.  I take that as part of my life's work.)

Maybe it's just how life goes, that the past is better than the future.  Maybe someone has never known the old life-contentment (let break my heart).  Maybe that contentment is a fantasy, wishful thinking.  Or maybe you, dear reader, are happy today--content and smiling deeply.  Maybe today is one of the best days of your life.  Thank God.  Because you will see tragedy.  It will touch you deeply and change your view of the sunshine.  In any case, thank God for today.  Remember that you have known happiness in past or present, and thank God.  I won't say carpe diem, because I have a hard time understanding how one can "seize" a period of time.  But at least thank God that today exists.  It's here, at least.  It showed up.  It's yours to enjoy as you can.


On thinking about this topic, I was reminded of an essay I wrote my freshman year in college about how a child and an adult experiences the same thing differently.  It's right here, and it's probably better than my article today.  :^D